GETTING LOST

                        In The Quest For Eternal Beauty, I got lost....

                                                   

The vision of a non visionary

The very age of leaving the leisure and stepping into a totally new world had finally come, a world of hustle and bustle, the world of competitions and competitors…the world of college romance and explorations of new heights, which was desperately awaiting to meet me and I was even desperately eager to get drenched by its bitter sweet flavours….. a perfect paradigm of my paradise..would it be?
The world of college life, stepping out of that teenage and getting onto the other side of the world, into adulthood would be an extreme experience I thought.
For me I considered it even special because once and for all, I got the chance to break out of my formal image I had made, into a new one, to enter a place where no one would actually know me and I will finally have the access to that pen to write a fresh chapter of my life and defining the protagonist as I have always dreamt of, to define the stories as were in my utopian world and as I have dreamt of in my wildest dreams. Since my childhood I studied in the same school so I never ever get that liberty to rewrite my character but finally after 12 years of wait, the time finally came, so with all alacrity I was ready to be the writer or actually an editor of the story of my journey.

Finally Stepping Out...
It was 17 feb as I still recall, the day of reopening of the colleges of Delhi university, and with all my backpacks set with more than half of my closet and almost each of my fantasies and every dream which was living in my utopian world was all pack and set to depart from Haldwani, my hometown to all the way to Delhi my fulfilling city.  
Getting into delhi, for me was as an village girl from a very small city, coming from a joint family with bearing hundreds of ups and downs in the kindred.
All welcome was set by the college hostel and rooms alloted, meandering in the corridor and into the minds of other prodigals was a tough experience though. Living in the pretentious city made me let slip of my musings of originality and somehow became intreseted in the world of fashion mania. Not realising when I started decorating my nails, my looks started mattering me, how I go out, how sit, even how I talk! From a sweet rational voice I grew into a dogmatic tone, a perfect self as I then believed  and to hell with all these external features, I didn’t even realised how I gotta changed my perspective, when did I begin feeling that curse words are a trend and showcase the delhite in you, I failed to realise how and when I started giving so much attention to immaterial things in friendships and when the presence of boys around me started making me feel comfortable!!
Unaware of the spontaneity and inevitability of all these new emotions, foolish me thought that there is some problem with my own anatomy & physiology and that puberty is actually hitting me in my late teens and twenties.
How and when I started enjoying the adult ted talks was even surprising.
It all looked like a dream, a self that’s built on erroneous pillars of a fraught city. Where emotion matters less and show offs more and where chicanery among groups was as common as salt in food.
I devolved from an emotionally strong person, (which I lost even before I could catch up with this thought) to being susceptible to emotional crisis and an emotional fool.
This new ‘Me’ who was now not timid to talk to anyone and anything was worse then I thought. Initially I was happy thinking that I am growing but only later I realized that coming to the new city has even changed my definition of growth. Late night hookups and the so called 'yari doti' at the cost of myself made me wicked.

I never knew that trying to be kept abreast of the new city was at the cost of loosing your own self. One year into in and I am already lost, lost with my originality, my values and just holding on a bunch of veracious reality.

Such a selfish call for myself that I never comprehended that when my status changed from an introvert to an extrovert!!
All these changes were cumbersome and deployed a feeling of self cynicism into me.
Surprisingly, I actually came here to rewrite the story of my life into a better self and what unknowingly I did was devastate my true self. So
finally the time had come to actually resurrect the musings of my mind and meander under the moon searching and building again, so that the coda of my college life could be prevented from turning into a debacle.

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